I start this blog today to make myself accountable for how I go forward from here.

Last night was my daughters Year 6 graduation, Dec 8th 2020.  I was thinking about it during the day and decided that I didn't need to drink on the evening because I wanted to remember the night really well.  It didn't go as planned.  While I am responsible for the decisions I make, I do feel I was influenced here by my husband.  He was getting all antsy about making sure we were going to have a fun night and we needed to bring the battery operated car fridge to put all the drinks in etc etc  I let him know what I was thinking earlier in the day about not drinking - other than to have a one glass before we leave - he wasn't happy with that answer, I'm not sure if he just thought I couldn't do it or if I needed to drink to have fun.  Somehow I ended up packing not one but TWO bottles of sparkling - we shared the first bottle and it was super tasty.  After the first glass I knew I needed to eat as I had managed to miss both breakfast and lunch due to an errand filled day.  I ate and then had another glass.  The next thing I knew - and by this some rather large amount of time later, because the second bottle had been opened.... I wasn't feeling well.  I let Nic know and he said he could take me over to the bathrooms but I just needed to sit still and thinking back I should've went to the bathrooms - because I ended up being a little sick at the table (i was leaning over on my knees while sitting, and everyone was busy watching the slideshow up on the screen, so I don't think anyone saw me but I know thats a drunk person talking and I am really ashamed of my behaviour) and I left by myself not long after that.  I walked home by myself and was quite sick after that.  While drinking on an empty stomach doesn't validate the experience - I AM REALLY ANNOYED WITH MYSELF for not sticking to my plan - I wanted to be able to look back fondly on the night and I do, I remember 98% of it - Maggie was the happiest and most shining I have ever seen her.  So I apologise that my attention was not fully with her and the beautiful evening that came before the mess.  I now have this marred memory - while I can also appreciate that mistakes happen and I shouldn't take this too seriously I am JUST annoyed.  So I am planning ahead for this to never happen again.

During my broken sleep I decided I was going to give up drinking as lately I can't seem to leave an opened bottle alone - a bit like a packet of tim tams, you know you're going to eat them all once they are open so settle in and be happy with the decision.  I believe that for my health and my desire to enjoy the simple things that I am taking a step in the right direction.  

And I want to do this - I am not saying its forever, I don't know what it is but I want to journal my thoughts and put down my memories as I acknowledge here that it isn't what it used to be.

Lets see what happens, what I remebre and if I enjoy doing this - I can do this instead of drinking.